memories.

tonight i was remembering a particularly awful fight i had with my brother.

it was the type of fight that left me curled up on the floor breathing into a paper bag.

the tears kept coming.

i remember gasping for air.

i remember not being able to envision ever feeling happy again.

i remember praying for my sanity.

the more i willed myself to stop crying, the harder i cried.

even the memory makes me short of breath.

and the lines crease on my forehead in worry.

what if he still feels that way about me.

that memory leads to another bad one.

i remember telling my mom i was moving.

"if we wanted a daughter to move away, we wouldn't have paid $10,000 to adopt one."

heart-wrenching words that tore my being apart.

my soul still may not be fixed from that one.

i cried.

not as hard as with the fight before.

but this was worse.

this was my mother.

unconditional love was not in that room that day.

remembering this memory hurts too.

one day i'll come up for air.

one day i'll be whole again.

because these two memories have made me stronger.